Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Life ain't no box of chocolates Tiger

Forrest Gump's mama may have thought life was like a box of chocolates, but the reality remains, most things in life are pretty damn predictable and there is usually a long history of others who have taken the same paths at one time or another. So this should have been a no brainer for you Tiger. You should have known what you would get in the end, by playing in these candy boxes.

Not even the president of the United States is immune from the sage wisdom. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Good grief Tiger, if Bill Clinton couldn't get away with it and pull it off? And here he has the best security on the planet? What in hell were you thinking that you were going to do? Did you honestly think that these trysts would never come out? That these young ladies would remain faithful and silent and take one for the team?

I can literally see Bill Clinton sitting somewhere chuckling as he reads and watches the latest reports of the Tiger Woods saga. What a difference a day makes. And what a difference a simple audio recording can make.

Tiger was busted, the minute that this tape surfaced today. Absolutely no plausible deniability there buddy. You established your culpability the minute you said hey, "this is Tiger." Then the sauce for the goose is your follow up plea to attempt to get this little gal to change her voice mail message. And the bleating plea in your voice? Well that is priceless.

Tiger, you are from the generation that coined the phrase "well duh!" Did you honesty believe that you could pull this off? With not one but with three separate women? You silly fool! All that is missing from this debacle is you facing a camera at a news conference, while pointing a crooked finger at the camera and announcing that "you did not have sex with that woman!"

Bill Clinton had it all going for him as it concerned his lie, right up to the point that Lewinski produced the blue dress. And here you are leaving voice mails identifying yourself? And thinking what? That no one would ever know? That this little slice on the side would be a nice girl and delete it?

This not so dumb little punch board that you have literally destroyed your career and family over? Apparently had already been playing your voice messages for her co-workers and she was probably showing them your text messages too. The 300 plus text messages that she apparently saved for "future reference?"

Here are a couple of tips Tiger. If Bill Clinton calls and asks you to meet him for 18 holes somewhere? Make sure that it is a golf course that he is talking about. Then listen to the man and his council. He has a lot more experience dealing with these matters than you do.

Number two, go ahead and brace yourself for the 100 million plus hit that your brand is going to take as a result of your own stupidity. I suspect that Nike and the rest will be backing up and taking a long look at their commitment to the Tiger Woods brand now that these revelations have surfaced.

Then of course, there is the situation with your wife. She owns you now buddy. Lock, stock and barrel. And if she decides to walk? Your divorce costs will make Paul McCartney's divorce look like a fire sale and one helluva deal.

You could not have possibly screwed up your life worse if you had tried Tiger. Short of putting a gun in your mouth and ending everything, you have succeeded in wrecking and mucking up your life permanently. People will not forget this Tiger. Your brand is forevermore tarnished now. Regardless of how the liberal left comes back around to embrace you (and they will), the main stream fans will always look at you with a dim view from here on out and you will never be Mr. Squeaky clean ever again.

A wrecked Cadillac $8000
Property damages $3000
A traffic fine $164
A ruined career $250,000,000
A divorce $500,000,000

The dumbest and costliest affair ever? Priceless!

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